[A sannyasin, weeping, says: Something that came up during primal was that even though I see what my parents did to me I'm still doing the same thing to my kid. So many times my own needs get in the way of what she needs. I can't seem to give her any help. And I think I'm doing her harm.]

 

 

Mm mm. One thing to be understood -- that ordinarily what-soever has been done by your parents becomes an engrained pattern; that is the only way you know what is to be done with the child. Whatsoever your mother did to you, that is the only way you know how to be with your child. So it is natural -- nothing to be worried about -- but now that you have become conscious that something has gone wrong in it.... It is good that you have become conscious, but now don't become worried about it so much, other-wise you will not be able to do anything. You are conscious that something that your mother did to you, you would not like to do to your child -- so become conscious; that's all that you can do! Whatsoever you are doing, become conscious.

 

And don't try to overcompensate -- that's what I think you are trying to do. Now you think you are not enough -- you are not giving enough love, enough care -- but whatsoever you can give, you can give! How can you give more? Do your utmost, and if you cannot do more, don't get depressed about it, otherwise your depression will harm the child.

 

By and by you will start feeling that because of this child you are feeling inadequate, and you will take revenge. Because of this child you are suffering... this child is creating guilt in you. So whom are you going to take revenge with? -- with the child.

 

One thing -- you have become aware that you are not to do the same things; good. Now become aware, that's all. And when you start doing some old pattern, relax -- don't do it! And this over-compensation -- that you have to love much, and you have to become the greatest mother in the world -- this nonsense has to be dropped, otherwise you will feel so false, and that you are falling short of your ideals. You must be having some ideal now. Your mother has not done that idealistic thing; now you have the ideal and you have to do it with the child... and all idealism is dangerous.

 

So be realistic. Don't create a fiction. You must be living in a fiction. Never live with a should. Live with the is -- that's all there is. Whatever is, is.

 

If you can give this much love, this much love you have. How can you do more? From where will you bring more? And if you become worried too much about more, you will not be able to even give that much which you could have easily, because from this worry, depression, anxiety, guilt will arise and you will start feeling in a very bad space -- and because of this child! If there were no child, there would be no problem. So the child will become a problem. Drop all this nonsense!

 

Simply be yourself. Whatsoever you do, do. More is not possible. Accept yourself! These shoulds are all condemnatory. This is how people move from one extreme to another.

 

The older generation used to think, the mothers used to think, that they were making great sacrifices for their children. They were always exhibiting that they were doing this and that. That was harmful, because love should not be a duty, and it should not be talked about. You love because you feel happy. You are not doing anything to the child; you are doing something because you love to do it. The child is not obliged to you, he is not to pay you back. You love to be a mother, and you should be grateful to the child.

 

But the older generation was not grateful to the child. They were always hoping that the child would be very very grateful, and when they found that the child was not grateful, they were very much frustrated.

 

Now you have moved to the other extreme. This is what can happen through primal and other things. Now you think that you are doing harm to the child. Your mother was thinking she is doing good, and then she did harm. Now you are thinking you are doing harm to the child. Just think -- even thinking she was doing good, harm happened through your mother, and now you are thinking that you are doing harm to the child. What is going to happen?

 

Just be natural -- these extremist points are not good. In the old times children use to be afraid of the parents, now the parents are afraid of the children -- but fear remains! The wheel has moved, but it is the same fear; whether from this side or from that side. Fear has not disappeared; and a relationship can exist only when there is no fear. Love is possible only when there is no fear.

 

If the child is afraid of the parent, love is not possible. If the parent is afraid of the child, love is not possible. How can you love in fear? Now you are afraid of the child -- that some harm may happen, that you may do something wrong. You will become so self-conscious about it -- so much so that you will do harm, because you will lose all naturalness and all spontaneity.

 

Just try to be a human being. Don't try to be an idealist and don't try to be a perfectionist. All perfectionistic people are neurotic. A sane person is never a perfectionist. Whatsoever he can do, he does, and then it is finished. So simply be yourself.

 

And one thing for you and for every body else here: the relationship between the child and the mother is such that it can never be perfect -- it is impossible. Some problem will always be there. You change one problem, another will arise, because the very relationship is such.

 

The child is helpless, the child has no individuality yet. The mother has an individuality. She is not dependent on the child, and the child is dependent on the mother. Both are not equal... cannot be. The mother has power and the child has no power. Now this is natural... you are not responsible for it. If somebody is responsible, maybe it is god.

 

If you give too much freedom to the child, he will die from freedom. If you discipline him too much, you will kill him from discipline. And there is no way to know where the demarcation line is. So whatsoever you do is going to be wrong. If you give too much freedom, the child will be spoiled. If you don't give enough freedom, the child will be spoiled.

 

And down the ages people have tried all alternatives. Sometimes they have tried to discipline the child absolutely. Then whatsoever comes out is an adolf hitler, nazism, fascism; that's what happened in germany. For a hundred years they had been trying to bring up the child according to the perfectionist ideal -- obedience, order, discipline -- so the soul was destroyed. A very very powerful german race was created, but there was no soul. Now that failed.

 

The pendulum has moved in America. Seeing that it failed... it created Japan -- Japan is a very very disciplined country -- and Germany... seeing that they created such havoc in the world, such hell, the world mind moved. Intellectuals started saying, 'No more order, no more discipline -- freedom!' So the freedom has created the new generation -- the flower children, the hippies, the yippies. Now if they win, the society will be destroyed completely, because no technology can exist with hippies; no clean, hygienic society can exist with the hippies. No sort of family can exist; everything will be simply topsy-turvy.

 

They will create another ugly world, and again seeing what hippies have done, people will start moving. Then by that time they will have forgotten nazi Germany, and Hitler; they will again start thinking about how to discipline the children. This is how it has been happening down the ages again and again. But whatsoever you do goes wrong.

 

So my feeling is: please don't try to do anything. Simply love the child, and leave everything else to god. Love the child, and whatsoever you can do, do. But that doing should not become such a deliberate act as you are trying to do. Simply love! You are a human being with all the flaws and limitations of a human being, and now what can you do?

 

The child has chosen you to be her mother -- it is not just your responsibility. The child is also responsible. She must have some karmas to be born to you, otherwise why? She could have chosen.... There are so many women always ready to receive. She has particularly chosen you, so not only are you responsible -- she is also responsible.

 

Now just be natural and be happy! Whatsoever happens out of happiness is good. And whatsoever creates misery in you, drop all that nonsense. Now you have become so miserable. Rather than being happy that you are a mother and a child is there, you are becoming miserable. Your misery will certainly be reflected in the child. The child by and by will become aware that her mother is miserable because of her. Your guilt will be reflected, and you will create a complex in the child.

 

Forget about it! Dance with the child, love the child, hug the child... and be natural! Don't listen to the pundits and the experts -- just be natural! Don't you see all the animals? Nobody teaches them how to be a good parent; there exists nothing like transactional analysis -- and they are good parents. Who bothers? Only man is very difficult.

 

There have been societies where the child has not to be hugged, because that destroys the child. Too much hugging makes him sissy and limp, spineless. He should be strong from the very beginning, he should be forced to stand on his own feet. And there are societies which say to hug the child, otherwise he will miss the human warmth and he will never be able to love anybody.

 

Now what to do? In the morning, hug, and in the evening, discipline? What to do? How to divide? One hour hugging, one hour discipline? But then the child will be confused. And he will become very suspicious of the mother -- that she seems to be schizophrenic: one hour she is just sweet, another hour she becomes such a great disciplinarian. The child will become very worried — she will not know what to do with the mother.

 

Whatsoever you are, that you have to share with the child. And whatsoever happens to the child, the child has to take her own responsibility too!

 

Now, in the american mind, this is such an absurd notion -- you go to the psychoanalyst and he will say that something is wrong between you and your mother, so your mother is responsible. Now he has taken responsibility away from you... it feels very good. Even grown-up people are so foolish, mm? -- lying down in a foolish way on a psychoanalyst's couch, saying silly things, and the psychoanalyst says, 'You are perfectly right -- it is just because of your mother and your relationship with the mother, so your mother is responsible.'

 

And who is responsible for the mother? -- her mother! And who is responsible for her mother? so on and so forth. Finally you find eve! Nobody seems to be responsible then.

 

I don't say that they are absolutely wrong -- nobody is ever absolutely wrong -- but people are only extremists, and extremism is wrong. Yes, your mother is a little responsible because she was your mother. Your father is a little responsible, but finally, you are responsible!

 

Whatsoever you have made yourself, others have helped, but in the ultimate analysis you are responsible.

 

This is one of the basic things religion teaches: you are responsible. Once you feel that you are responsible, you become free; you have a freedom to choose. And then you are no more worried about the past because how can you undo the past? The mother has happened, the birth has happened -- now what to do with it? It is gone!

 

If you are aware, in this moment of intense awareness, the whole past can be burned out. There is no need for any primal therapy. It is only for mediocre minds that you have to go into such things. If you are really intelligent, just a single moment of awareness -- it is finished! The past is no more there! You can cut yourself away from it in a single stroke. There is no need to go inch by inch.

 

In a single stroke of understanding, you can cut yourself away from the past -- that's what I mean by sannyas.

 

So just be natural, loving and don't carry any ideals. Don't listen to experts; these are the most mischievious people in the world -- the experts. Just listen to your heart. If you feel like hugging, hug. Sometimes you feel like hitting the child, hit. And don't be worried that some great psychoalanyst says not to hit the child. Who is he to dominate you? From where does he get the authority?

 

Sometimes it is good to be angry. The child has to learn that his or her mother is a human being and that she can be angry too. And if you are angry, the child feels also free to be angry. If you are never angry, the child feels guilty. How to be angry with a mother who is always so sweet?

 

Mothers have tried to be so sweet that their whole taste is lost -- they become like saccharine... they create an artificial diabetes. Don't be just sweet -- sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet as the mood arises. And let the child know that the mother has her own moods and climates -- she is a human being just as he is. And the child will see that if the mother can be angry, he can also be angry. And it is good. Yes, sometimes not to be okay is good. So drop this, mm?

 

-Osho, “Blessed Are the Ignorant, #8”