1. 

A Polack answered a nationwide quiz program that gave away money even to the dumbest people.

"Okay, Mr Kozakowsky, for one thousand dollars, tell us, which famous French general was defeated at the battle of Waterloo?"

The Polack looked puzzled.

"We'll give you a clue," smiled the questioner, and opened the door of a large refrigerator. Inside was a bottle of Napoleon brandy. Kozakowsky still looked bewildered and scratched his head.

"Just read the name you see and you win one thousand dollars. Now, what was the name of the general?"

The Polack stared for a moment, then smiled.

"Of course," he said, "it must have been General Electric!"

2.

Frankowski showed up at the practice field to try out for the high school football team. "What position do you want to play?" asked the coach.

"Quarterback!" answered Frankowski.

The coach handed him a football and said, "Do you think you can pass this ball?"

"Hell," said the Polack, "if I can swallow it, I can pass it too!"

3.

The car hit her and a hundred yards away he stopped and looked back.

"Watch out!" he shouted.

The woman raised herself on her elbow and screamed, "Why -- are you coming back?"

4.

Harold, Bill and Gabby, three tired and hungry cowboys, are sitting around a campfire about to eat dinner. Jose, the cook, a grimy, stubble-faced huge Mexican guy, throws down the pot and holds up his gun.

"The first one of you jerks who makes a fuss about your supper gets trouble from me!" says Jose.

There is careful silence as the purple and green slop is served up, and the eating begins. "God!" shrieks Harold, gagging and turning blue. "This stuff tastes like shit." Then, immediately eyeing the big Mexican, Harold adds enthusiastically, "But good shit, real good shit."

5. 

The psychiatrist leaned back and placed the tips of his fingers together while he soothed the deeply-troubled man who stood before him. "Calm yourself, my good fellow," he gently urged. "I have helped a great many others with fixations far more serious than yours. Now, let me see if I understand the problem correctly. You indicate that in moments of great emotional stress you believe that you are a dog. A fox terrier, is that not so?"

 

"Yes, sir," mumbled the patient. "A small fox terrier with black and brown spots. Oh, please tell me you can help me, doctor. If this keeps up much longer, I don't know what I'll do...." The doctor gestured toward the couch. "Now, now," he soothed, "the first thing to do is lie down here, and we'll see if we can't get to the root of your delusion." "Oh, I couldn't do that, doctor," said the patient. "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

6. 

Banducci, Sullivan and Piwalski, traveling together in Mexico, got drunk and killed a Mexican. All three were sentenced to the electric chair.

First they sat Banducci down and asked him if he had any last words. "I am a dentist," said the Italian, "and I will care for everyone in the village for twenty-five years if you will let me go."

The authorities refused and the executioner proceeded to carry out the sentence. He pulled the switch and nothing happened.

 

"By law," said the executioner, "the Italian is a free man, because the electric chair did not work." Then the Irishman sat down. The same question was asked. "I am a doctor," said Sullivan, "and I would care for the villagers for twenty-five years in exchange for my freedom." Again the answer was no. The switch was pulled and nothing happened. He went free.

 

Then Piwalski sat down. He was asked if he had any last words. "I am a graduate in electrical engineering from Texas A & M," said the Polack, "and if you put that white wire in that hole, and the red wire in that hole..."

7. 

Chalecki, a traffic policeman, asked his friend Manzini if he knew of a bawdy house in town. Manzini gave Chalecki the address. The following day they met on the street. "Well," asked Manzini, "did you enjoy yourself?"

"Nah," replied the Polack, "I find house okay, then I spend whole night waiting outside." "Why didn't you go in?"

"I was waiting for the red light to change!"

8.

A housewife adorned with a head full of curlers, puffy eyes, no make-up, covered in a tatty old dressing-gown and worn-out furry slippers runs out of the house with the garbage just as the garbage truck is about to move on. She rushes up to the truck and, panting, asks the garbage man, "Am I too late?"

"No, ma'am, just jump right in!"

9.

Hymie Goldberg is trying to hold a small mirror in his hand while he adjusts his tie. The mirror slips and shatters on the ground.

"Oh, no!" he complains to Becky. "Now I am going to have seven years' bad luck."

"Nonsense," replies Becky. "My uncle Sollie once broke a mirror, and he didn't have seven years' bad luck." "Really?" says Hymie, encouraged.

"Really," repeats Becky. "He died the same day."

10.

Farmer Jenkins had two cows, Daisy and Tinkerbell. One day he borrowed the bull from the next farm and instructed his farmhand, Jake, to watch and make sure that the bull did his job properly. That afternoon the local priest came round for tea and just as the farmer's wife was pouring it, Jake came rushing into the room and shouted, "Mister Jenkins, the bull just screwed the hell out of Daisy."

 

Jake's face fell when he saw the priest, and the farmer was furious. He took Jake into the other room and said, "Look, I want to be kept informed of the bull's progress, but this is too much. Next time use the word `surprised', not `screwed'."

Twenty minutes later Jake came running in again and said, "Boss! Boss! The bull just... the bull..." but seeing the priest he could not say another word. The farmer got up and said, "Jake, did the bull surprise Tinkerbell this time?"

"Surprise Tinkerbell? I will say he did," cried Jake enthusiastically. "He screwed the hell out of Daisy again!"

11.

Young Father Feever finishes his training at the Bleeding Cross Jesuit Monastery, and moves to New York as the priest of the Immaculate Conception and Miraculous Resurrection Church.

Feever soon discovers that one member of the congregation, Lucy Legs, is a prostitute, and decides to try and put her right.

Feever invites Lucy to the back of the church for an informal discussion. But when the young priest arrives, he finds Lucy sitting naked on an old tombstone, with her legs stretched wide apart. "Ah, My God!" moans Feever, beginning to perspire. "I prayed for you last night...!"

 

"You idiot! There is no need for that," snaps Lucy, "I am on the telephone. But don't worry! You can have me now -- just fifty dollars!" "No! No!" cries Feever, loosening his dog collar. "You misunderstand me. I expected to find you on your knees. In fact, I think we should both start by getting down on our knees right away! Okay?" "If that is how you want it!" smiles Lucy. "But it is a hundred dollars for doggie-style!"

12.

Olga Kowalski comes bouncing enthusiastically downstairs in her new Kung Fu outfit. Kowalski takes one look at her, and puts his hand over his face.

"Good God, Olga!" groans Kowalski. "Now what are you doing?"

"I'm taking Kung Fu lessons," says Olga, proudly -- and she playfully slices the air with her hand, giving Kowalski a punch on the neck. "It is just in case," explains Olga, "some sex-fiend tries to rape me on some dark night."

"Why bother?" remarks Kowalski, slurping his beer. "It will never get that dark!"