1

And do you know what is written on the bottom of Polish milk bottles?

"Open at other end."

2

A Polack was driving his Volkswagen, when suddenly it stopped for some reason. He went to look -- maybe there was some trouble in the engine -- but he could not find the engine. So he thought, "My God, my engine has been stolen!"

Just then another Polack stopped by his side. He said, "Is there some trouble?"

The first man said, "Yes, it seems my engine has been stolen."

The man said, "Don't be worried. This morning I was looking at the back of my car -- there is a spare engine. You can take it!"

3

Giant Polish dockworker, Kraczewski, was considered by most of the longshoremen to be a great lover. They claimed he could make love to twenty girls in an hour. When some disbelieving seamen showed up, bets were made and the next night twenty girls were lined up in one of the warehouses.

The big Polack went to work. He had made love to the first dozen when suddenly he fell to the floor in a state of exhaustion. His pals rushed up to him screaming, "What happened?" "I dunno," answered Kraczewaski. "I did okay this afternoon at the rehearsal!"

4

A Pole was working at a construction site where the boss left each day at eleven a.m. and was gone for two hours. This became such a regular occurrence that the rest of the workers decided to spend those two hours in the bar across the street, but the Polack decided to head home for some extra nookie with his wife. When he arrived home, he found his boss busy banging his wife in the bedroom. Well he walked right out and headed back to the job. The following day, the Polack was working his ass off when everyone headed across to the bar.

"Hey, Ski, aren't you coming?" asked one of them.

"Hell, no!" said the Polack. "I almost got caught yesterday."

5

How do you make a one armed Polack fall off a flagpole?

Answer: You wave to him. Why did the Polish Government import five hundred million tons of sand from Saudi Arabia?

Answer: They wanted to drill for their own oil.

Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?

Answer: She likes men.

6

Three Polacks, Madia, are standing outside a brothel discussing what prices they are willing to pay for the services inside. They decide that one of them should go inside first while the other two wait outside. Half an hour later, the one who went inside comes out with a gleaming smile across his face. "What happened? What was it like?" his friends ask.

"Well, I paid five zlotys, went into a room and this tall sexy woman was waiting for me. She took my clothes off, put two pineapple rings over my prick and proceeded to slowly eat them off. It was great!"

The second Polack, pleased with his friend's report, goes inside. An hour later he comes out, a big Cheshire cat grin on his face.

"What happened?" asked the other two.

 

"Well I paid ten zlotys, and it was the same as our first friend. But this time she put four pineapple rings over my cock and ate them off very very slowly." The third Polack, by this time very horny, rushes in to the brothel and comes out fifteen minutes later with a long, sad face.

"Well," ask his friends, "what's wrong? What happened?"

"Well, begins the sad Polack, "it started off great. I paid twenty zlotys and she put six rings of pineapple over my cock, plus a big scoop of whipped cream."

"Wow!" the friends exclaim.

"That's not all," continues the third, "a handful of crushed nuts, a sugar wafer, hot chocolate sauce, and topped off with a beautiful red cherry."

"That sounds great," one of the others said. "What could possibly make you so sad then?" "Well, it looked so fucking good, I ate it myself!"

7

A Polack walks into the office of a circus and offers to jump to the ground from ten meters up, head first, without a net. The manager does not believe this so they go to the stage. The Polack gets up to about ten meters height, takes a deep breath and jumps head first. He crashes down on his head, lies still for a few moments and then gets up. The manager is fascinated. "That's incredible!" he exclaims. "I'll pay you one hundred dollars a night."

The Polack shakes his head. "Okay, okay, I'll pay you three hundred dollars a night." "No," replies the Polack.

"I'll pay you a thousand dollars!" says the manager.

"No," says the Polack, "I've changed my mind -- I don't want to jump anymore. I didn't know it would hurt so much!"

8

A Polack discovered that he had three balls. He was so anxious to tell it to someone that he stopped the first man he met on the road and told him, "Do you want to bet that together we have five balls?"

He lost his bet... the other guy had only one ball!

9

The old Polack general lived with his young wife in a lonely villa. They kept two guards in front of the house to protect them against intruders.

One night the guards saw that the lights in the general's bedroom were on for a very long time. Suspicious, they snuck up to the window and peeped in. The general's wife was lying on the bed naked, looking quite bored. The Polack general, also naked, was anxiously walking around the room with a pistol in his hand. Suddenly he stopped, looked down at his groin and shouted, "Stand up like a man or I'll shoot!"

10

A Polack landowner has been wondering for quite a while about the quietness of his barnyard during the mid-day breaks. One day he decides to find out what's behind it all, so he steps out discreetly and sees his farmhand crossing the yard with pants open and disappearing into the barn. The landowner calls his servant back and asks him what's going on inside the barn.

"Well, sir, we've got quite a jolly game going on in there. The girls hide their heads in the hay and then have to guess who did it!"

"That sounds like fun," replies the Polack landowner. "Can I join you?"

"I guess so," says the farmhand. "Your wife has been at it for six weeks already!"

11

Kyacki's son had been acting a little strange lately, so Kyacki took him to a psychiatrist.

"Tell me, son," questioned the shrink, "how many wheels does an auto have?"

"Four. "

"Very good," said the doctor. "Now what is it a cow has four of that a woman has two?"

"Legs."

"And what does your father have that your mother likes most?"

"Money."

The psychiatrist turned to Kyacki and said, "You don't have to worry about him -- he's smart!"

"He sure is!" said the Polack. "I missed the last two questions myself!"

12

Two Polacks go to see a Western movie. In the middle of the film a cowboy, mounted on a white horse, and an Indian, mounted on a black horse, begin to race each other across the plain. The first Polack turns to his friend and says, "I'll bet you fifty dollars that the black horse gets to the river before the white horse." "Okay, you're on!" exclaims the second Polack.

A few seconds later, the white horse and his rider splash into the river ten lengths ahead of the black horse. "Listen," said the second Polack after a pause, "I can't take your money. I have seen this movie before and I knew that the white horse would win."

"Ah!" said the first Polack. "I have seen it twice before... but that black horse got off to such a good start THIS time! "

13

The sawmill foreman hired Sofronski, led him to a buzz saw and explained how it worked. He warned Sofronski that it was extremely dangerous, and left him alone. Sofronski, fascinated by the saw, reached out a probing finger toward it. One second later the finger was gone. Sofronski screamed in pain, bringing the foreman on the run.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Your saw cut my finger off."

"Well," asked the foreman, "what did you do wrong?"

"I don't know!" said the Polack. "I just touch it like this... ow! Damn, there go another one!"

14

A gorilla in the zoo died. His female companion, after a few months, began getting violent as her need for sex increased. The zookeepers decided to get a man to make love to her. They picked up a Polack down on skid row and offered him twenty dollars for the job.

They muzzled the she-ape, tied her arms to the bars, and let the Polack gingerly into her cage. When the gorilla saw the guy had an erection, she suddenly ripped her arms loose from the bars and began crushing him in her embrace. "Help!" he shouted. "For God's sake, help!"

"Don't worry," the keeper shouted back, "we'll get an elephant-gun and shoot her." "No! No! Don't shoot her. Just get her muzzle off -- I wanna kiss her!"

15

A Polack goes into the doctor's surgery with both his ears burnt.

"I have never seen such a case," exclaims the doctor. "What on earth happened?"

"I was ironing my clothes," explains the Polack, "when the phone rang."

"But what about the other ear?" asks the doctor.

"Well," replies the Polack, "I had to phone for the ambulance."