[A sannyasin says that after visiting his parents he got sick.]

 

 

It happens – that to go back to the old associations is sometimes very anxiety-creating and tense, because they are expecting you to be someone whom you are not anymore. They see that you are not, and you feel a little hesitant because you would like to pretend that you are the old person – just to satisfy them – and that pretension becomes very heavy.

 

Because you are no longer identified with it, you have to carry it consciously, and it is like a load on the head. Then it disturbs your stomach and by and by the whole body is disturbed. You cannot relax in a situation where people are expecting you to be something that you cannot be and you are trying not to hurt them.

 

But this is a good experience. Next time if it happens at all, remain the new and don’t pretend; don’t try to pose. Just tell them beforehand that the old man is dead, and to excuse you if you cannot fulfill their expectations. Tell them that you love and respect them more than ever – because the old person could not love or respect, the old person was just a pretender. But it will be a little difficult – so say it will be difficult. Once they understand, you will give them something – a new ray of light may enter their lives.

 

I was afraid you would be in difficulties – it happens to everybody who has really changed a lot. Going back is very very difficult. You don’t fit and you try to. But good – you are back home, so it is good!

 

– Osho, “Nothing to Lose But Your Head, #9”