[A couple ask Osho about their relationship. The man asked Osho what to do when one partner in the relationship is not interested in sex. He said he had tried following the advice Osho had given him before about the same situation -- which was to follow his feelings -- but it disturbed him that his partner felt hurt and upset. Osho said the problem was one that was relevant to all couples, not just to them.]

 

 

In the past, the woman was completely repressed. Then there was no problem because it was always the man's decision to have sex whenever he wanted; the woman had no say. She was just a slave. Whether she enjoyed it or not was not the point; she was not asked about it. That was one solution -- very primitive and ugly, mm? because the woman was crushed. Of course man was very satisfied; he was in a very good situation. Whenever he wanted, he could have, and there was no question of the woman wanting it, because man had taught her that a good woman never asks for sex. It is only a bad woman who does that.

 

So the woman never used to ask for sex. It was impossible for a woman to ask because that would be losing all virtue, all respect. So the problem was solved in a way. At least fifty percent of humanity was at ease. Now, nobody is at ease. One hundred percent of humanity is troubled, because the woman has started asking, demanding, and she has started saying when she is willing and when she is not willing. It is not only man's decision alone. She has to agree, otherwise there is no question. So now both are in trouble.

 

The reverse situation is also there. It is possible that in the coming century, woman may start dominating man. Then man will be repressed. Then, whenever the woman likes, she will have sex, and whenever she does not like, the man has to say nothing -- a good man, a virtuous man, never asks for sex. That is possible because that is how history moves, but again it will be foolish.

 

The real solution has to be for one hundred percent of the people. A fifty percent solution is no good. Whether it is in favour of man or woman makes no difference -- the problem remains. A one hundred percent solution means that a great understanding is needed. When you are making love to a woman you both have to be in agreement, and the agreement has to be not just legal -- it has to be of the heart. Only then the symphony, the song, can arise. Love is like an orchestra -- so many people playing, so many instruments. If they are not in agreement, it will be a maddening noise. If they are in agreement, something beautiful can rise out of it.

 

Love is an orchestra. Male and female... two persons, two different beings, two different types of energies -- yin and yang -- trying to play a game and trying to become a circle of energies. If they are in agreement, love becomes spiritual. If they are not in agreement, then love is a violence, an aggression. If you are making love to a woman who is not willing at that moment, it is rape. You may call it whatsoever you like, but it is rape. It may not be rape in the eyes of the law, but before a greater law, it is rape. If you don't want to make love to a woman and she forces herself upon you, it is rape. But then at the most it can be a physical release. It cannot give any spiritual uplift to your being.

 

So when you are in love with a woman, try to understand the whole situation, and try to understand together. Analyse the whole situation. Tell her your mind -- what is happening to you -- and let her tell you about her mind, and help her. Women are not very articulate, because for centuries they have never said anything. They can fight, they can be angry, they can be sad; as far as emotions are concerned, they are very alive. But when it comes to dissect a problem, they are not articulate. So help the woman to become articulate. Help her to understand her own problem and yours. Then both settle something.

 

If she says that she wants more courtship, then settle for it. Don't take the woman for granted. Let every day be a courtship. Every love should have something of the honeymoon in it -- what the psychologists call the foreplay. The foreplay has to be there. And not only that. In the East, the eastern sexologists have another to suggest, and that is afterplay.

 

When you make love, if you are new lovers, there is foreplay. If you are married, settled, there is no foreplay; you simply jump into sex and it is finished within minutes. A burden is gone and then you are not concerned at all. But Vatasyayana has suggested not only foreplay, but afterplay. A woman is tremendously satisfied if after making love you play with her body, because then she feels that she is respected, loved. She feels that it is not only sex that you ask for, because now sex is finished. If you finish with sex, she always carries a suspicion in the mind that she is being used like an object, like a thing.

 

So love is delicate and complicated. It is a complex phenomenon, and it has to be so. It is one of the most subtle things in life. So try to understand it. These problems have to be solved by everybody. There are no answers to them. I'm not giving you an answer -- I am simply giving you a process to understand it. Out of that understanding, things will settle better.

 

I don't say that problems will disappear completely, because they never do -- at the most there are less problems. But life as such has problems in it: one problem is solved; another is there. You solve that; another problem is there. But go on solving and then you have higher problems, and higher problems are better problems. They are even better than lower solutions. Go on solving, and you will have better and higher problems. That's how sex becomes a problem of love.

 

Sex in itself is not a problem; that's why animals have no problems. Sex in itself is a mechanical thing -- no problem. The problem arises with love. Love is a higher thing. If you work with love and love starts settling, you will see that a new problem is arising that is of prayer, of tantra. When love starts settling, a still higher problem of tantra arises. Then you start thinking that it is not only a question of love between two human beings. It is something between you and the whole, and the woman is just a passage, or you are just a passage for the woman. It is a roundabout way to have a contact with the very existence, with the very ground of being. Then with tantra, new problems will arise immediately -- but they are beautiful problems. And once you solve tantric problems, the ultimate problem of God arises.

 

Sex has no problems, God also has no problems. In between there are millions of problems. And one has to go on solving them. Through solving them, you grow. They are challenges, so don't take them in a negative way. Don't think that they are just to be solved somehow. No. With deep respect, with tremendous care, tenderness, try to solve them, because through them you are going to grow. It is through these problems that your higher being will arise, so they are beneficial.

 

I'm not giving you a solution. I never give any solution to anybody. I can simply indicate to you a way, a very vague way. But if you follow it, you will come to many great truths on the path.

 

 

[The woman says: I mainly want to have sex and he doesn't... Our relationship gets less and less sexual all the time and somehow it doesn't feel right.]

 

 

Both talk together. Whatsoever I have said to Vedant he will explain to you. Talk together and try to understand each other. If some understanding arises, good. Otherwise separate. There is no problem. Never live in a problem. Either drop the problem or drop the relationship, but there is no need to live in a problem continuously, because that is very destructive. First try to solve it, because the problem will arise again and again. You may be with somebody else, maybe another Vedant, that makes no difference; the problem will arise again.

 

So the problem has to be solved. By changing persons, nothing is solved. One only goes on moving and hoping that the right person may come up some day. But unless you are right in your understanding, the right person is not going to come. And Vedant is a beautiful person. You may not find another beautiful person so easily. So first try to solve the problem. Vedant is more significant than sexuality. So even if you have to drop a little sexuality, there is nothing wrong in it because it is the very lowest phenomenon... a very low phenomenon; nothing special about it.

 

Always sacrifice the lower for the higher. If you feel that he loves you, it is worth it. But I am not saying to sacrifice in a violent way. Try to understand what his problem is and try to create a rhythm... come to an understanding. If you can make love once a week, good; twice a week, good. It is not a question of how many times you make love -- it is a question of how intensely, how lovingly you make it. The quantity never satisfies anybody. Only quality satisfies. So never go for quantity -- go for quality.

 

If he feels that it is good for his physiology, for his energy, to make love once a week, settle for it. And it will be good because six days will create an appetite. To make love every day is to make it a routine. It is to profane it. Once a while when you are really flowing and he is flowing, and you are both moving naturally, spontaneously towards it, it is good. If you ask and he concedes, it is ugly, because he will be feeling that he has been used, and that he has been forced, manipulated. You will also feel that and you will not be happy. You will feel that he is making love to you only because you want it; he does not want it. And a woman can never feel good when she knows that the man is making love to her only because she wanted.

 

A woman feels happy only when she knows that the man wants to make love to her. So it can create what psychologists call a double-bind. For example the woman says to her husband that he never brings her flowers. Now there is a double-bind. If he brings the flowers she will not be happy because he has brought them only because she said to; he has not brought them on his own -- so she will not be happy. If he does not bring them, she will be unhappy because even though she has told him to, he still does not. Now what to do in a double-bind? Whatsoever you do goes wrong.

 

If he makes love to you because you wanted it and he was not willing, not flowing into it, you will not feel happy. You will see that you have forced yourself onto him and that poor Vedant is simply suffering; it is not love. If he says no, you will feel unhappy -- it is a double-bind. Always remember not to create double-binds. Never tell a man to bring you flowers. If he brings them, good. If he doesn't, wait. But never utter such nonsense, because once you say something, there is a problem which is insoluble; it cannot be solved.

 

In human relationships, this is one of the most basic things to be remembered -- never to create a double-bind, because it is so paradoxical that whatsoever you do will be wrong.

 

So first just try. It will be good. Growing a little higher than sex is always good, so don't become miserable about it. But not more than three months; I give you three months' time. Either solve it, come to an understanding -- otherwise drop out of the relationship. One should never live with a problem too long. If you live too long with a problem, you become accustomed to it, habituated to it. In fact then you become so accustomed that even if a situation arises where the problem can be dropped, you will not drop it.

 

Psychologists say that if you put a mouse, a rat, in a psychological maze in which there are six tunnels and you put cheese in the fourth, once the rat discovers the cheese in the fourth, by and by he stops exploring other tunnels. He will go directly to the fourth.

 

When you remove the cheese from the fourth tunnel, he will be very confused. He will look and find there is no cheese, then he will come out, look around and will go in again; maybe he has not looked properly. Then he will come out and he will be very puzzled -- what is the matter? Things are not going rightly. He will look in other tunnels and again he will come and look in the fourth -- but not forever.

 

Psychologists say that there is only one difference between rats and man -- that man will always go to the fourth tunnel. The rat will not always go. After a while he will understand that this doesn't work; it is foolish to go into the fourth. But man is such a fool, he will continuously go to the fourth.

 

For his whole life he will make it a point, a principle. That's what people call principles. A person goes to the church and he never finds any cheese there, but for the whole of his life he continues to go there. What is happening? He says that this is a principle, that he is a Christian and he believes in the church. But if you don't find anything there, look somewhere else! There are temples, mosques, gurudwaras, and millions of other things. Why don't you look? He says, 'I am a Christian. What do you think of me? I believe!'

 

Whenever a person says, 'I believe,' he is saying that he denies the factual, he denies the actual. He does not see the fact. He believes that in the fourth the cheese used to be. It must be there because that is how Jesus said that he found -- in the fourth. That's how the Bible reports it was found -- in the fourth. It must be there. It has to be there. If it is not there, then his belief is not enough; he believes more strongly.

 

Man is a very stupid animal. It is not as Aristotle says -- that man is a rational animal. Not at all. He has not shown any rationality up to now. Rarely, few individuals have shown rationality, otherwise other individuals are simply stupid.

 

So if you live too long with a problem, it becomes your church. It becomes your creed, dogma, religion. It becomes your philosophy, your way of life -- you start believing in it. Then even if there is somebody to show you that there exists no cheese in the fourth tunnel -- things have changed they are no more as they used to be; you have to change your mind -- you will still insist. That's what people go on doing.

 

Things that used to work in your childhood with your parents cannot work in the wider world, but you go on believing in the same things. When you were a small child and you wanted something and your mother was not willing, you started crying and had a tantrum, and mother conceded. In life people do the same. Now there is no mother. If you don't get something you start crying and there is nobody to fulfill it, the mother is no more there, the fourth tunnel is empty. It used to work in your childhood. It does not work now, but people go on doing the same.

 

So never live with a problem for too long, otherwise there is a tendency to make the problem your very way of life. Then you are doomed.

 

So three months I give you. Either solve the problem and come to a higher symphony between you two, otherwise drop clean out of the relationship with no complaint, no grudge. Find somebody else and let him find somebody else. But for three months I would like you to try, mm? Good.

 

-Osho, “The Great Nothing, #7”