[A sannyasin couple are leaving. Previously Osho had told the woman to listen to her inner voice and never to compromise to the point of being inauthentic if one is in a relationship.]
(To the man) Give her absolute freedom so she can just feel as she wants to feel. Allow her as much space as possible.
This is one of the fundamental problems of love. Every lover has to learn it, nobody knows it by birth. It only comes slowly slowly and through much pain, but the sooner it comes, the better -- that each person needs his or her own space, that we should not interfere in that space. To interfere is very natural for lovers, because they start taking the other for granted. They start thinking that they are no more separate. They don't think of 'I' and 'thou'; they start thinking of 'we'. You are that too, but only once in a while.
'We' is a rare phenomenon. Once, for a few moments, lovers come to that point where the word is meaningful, where you can say 'we', when 'I' and 'thou' disappear into each other, where boundaries overlap. But these are rare moments; they should not be taken for granted. You cannot remain 'we' twenty-four hours a day, but that's what every lover demands -- and that creates unnecessary misery. When you come close once in a while you become one, but those are rare moments, precious, to be cherished, and you cannot make them a twenty-four-hour thing. If you try, you will destroy them; then the whole beauty will be lost. When that moment is gone, it is gone; you are again 'I' and 'thou'.
You have your space, she has her space. And one has to be respectful now, that the other's space should not be in any way interfered with; it should not be trespassed. If you trespass it, you hurt the other; you start destroying the other's individuality. And because the other loves you, she or he will go on tolerating it.
But toleration is one thing; it is not something very beautiful. If the other is only tolerating it, then sooner or later the other will take revenge. The other cannot forgive you and it goes on accumulating -- one day, another day, another day.... You have interfered with a thousand and one things, then they all pile up, and then one day they explode. That's why lovers go on fighting. That fight is because of this constant interference. And when you interfere in her being, she tries to interfere in your being, and nobody feels good about it.
For example, she is feeling happy and you will feel left alone because you are not feeling happy. You will feel as if you have been cheated. 'Why is she feeling happy?' You should both feel happy -- that is your idea. That happens once in a while. But sometimes it happens that she is happy, you are not happy or you are happy and she is not happy. We have to understand it, that the other has every right to be happy without one... even though it hurts. You would like to participate but you are not in the mood.
If you insist, all that you can do is: you can destroy her happiness... and you are both losers in that way, because if you destroy her happiness, when you are happy alone she will destroy your happiness. Slowly slowly, rather than becoming friends, we turn into enemies.
Love is a sacred art. To be in love is to be in a holy relationship. And those moments when you are 'we' will be rare. Then there is no question of interference because you are not separate. Then it is perfectly good to be totally in her and her to be in you; your centres coincide. There is no question of interference, there is no need for any privacy, there is no need for any individuality; but you should not enforce those moments. One has to be very watchful, careful, cautious, because love is a delicate phenomenon: it takes years to create it and it can be destroyed within minutes It is really the most delicate thing in the world. It takes a long time, a | long intimacy to create it.
That's why people who go on changing their partners have only sexual relationships, not love relationships. They make love but they are not in love, and making love is ugly. The very word 'making' is ugly. To make love means to perform it. It is an act, a doing, a self-conscious, deliberate management is behind it -- you are in control -- but it is not loving.
Loving is not a kind of making -- it is a happening, but for the happening you have to wait. And happening takes time; it comes when it comes. You cannot demand it, you cannot make it like instant coffee. You cannot say 'Right now I want to make love.' You can make love but there will be no love in it; it will be pure sexuality. Nothing is wrong in sexuality but there is much more to it which you are missing, which you will go on missing.
When two persons live closely -- in sadness, in happiness, in joy, in misery, in all moods, in all kinds of climates... sometimes it is very cloudy, sometimes the sun is there, everything is sunny -- and when you live in all the climates and all the moods, and you have seen each other in different ways, through different angles, slowly slowly intimacy arises. That has nothing to do with sex. Sex may be a part of it but sex is not synonymous with it. Sex is only a very small part of it, and sometimes there may be no sex in it at all. At the highest love-peak sex completely disappears. It is almost prayer -- two persons are in a prayerful mood together.
Just being together is enough, just being together is orgasmic. Just feeling the presence of the other is enough; there is no need to do anything at all. Sitting silently, feeling the other's presence, some unsung song is heard, some unstruck music is heard. You are transported. But this takes time and it takes much care, much nurturing.
The basic requirement is: the other has to be given absolute freedom to be herself. If she is happy, feel good -- she is happy; if you can be happy and participate in her happiness, good. If you cannot, leave her alone. If she is sad, if you can participate in her sadness, good. If you cannot participate and you want to sing a song and you are feeling happy, leave her alone. Don't drag her according to you; leave her to herself. Then slowly slowly a great respect arises for each other. That respect becomes the foundation of the temple of love.
So I have told her to be absolutely herself and I tell you now that you have also to be the same. Meet, be together, when the moment comes merge into each other, but when the moment is gone be friendly, respectful. Don't treat the other as your possession, and don't ever allow yourself to be treated by the other as her possession. That is humiliating -- that is de-humanising.
If you can take care, something great is going to grow between you two... but that can grow only if you both are very careful. Remember: between you two something is growing which is very delicate, which can be destroyed very easily. But if you can go on creating it and you go on bringing it to higher crescendoes, through it you will know what prayer is and through it you will know what god is.
-Osho, “Don't Look Before You Leap, #22”