Question :
Osho,
Whenever you speak of our failings, you usually mention anger, sex and jealousy. anger and sex seem fairly straightforward, but there's some confusion about exactly what jealousy is, and it's harder to get to the core.
Would you tell us about jealousy?
Yes, I make more mention of anger, sex, and less of jealousy, becausejealousy is not a primary thing. It is secondary, it is a secondary part of sex.
Whenever you have a sexual urge in your mind, a sexual happening in yourbeing, whenever you feel sexually attracted and related to somebody, jealousyenters because you are not in love. If you are in love, jealousy never enters.
Try to understand the whole thing. Whenever you are sexually related you areafraid, because sex is really not a relationship, it is an exploitation. If youare attached to a woman or man sexually, you are always afraid that this womanmay go to somebody else, this man may move to somebody else. There is norelationship really, it is just mutual exploitation. You are exploiting eachother, but you don't love and you know it, so you are afraid.
This fear becomes jealousy so you may not allow things, you will guard; youwill make every security arrangement so this man cannot look at another woman.Even looking will be a danger signal. This man should not talk to another womanbecause talking.... and you feel afraid he may leave. So you will close all thepaths, all the ways of this man going to another woman, of this woman going toanother man; you will close all the ways, all the doors.
But then a problem arises. When all the doors are closed, the man becomesdead, the woman becomes dead, a prisoner, a slave, and you cannot love a deadthing. You cannot love one who is not free because love is beautiful only whenit is given freely, when it is not taken and demanded and forced.
First you make security arrangements, then the person becomes dead, becomeslike an object. A beloved may be a person, a wife becomes an object; a belovedmay be a person, a husband becomes an object to be guarded, possessed,controlled. But the more you control, the more you are killing, because freedomis lost. And the other person may be there for other reasons, but not for love,because how can you love a person who possesses you? He looks like an enemy.
Sex creates jealousy but it is a secondary thing. So it is not a question ofhow to drop jealousy; you cannot drop it because you cannot drop sex. Thequestion is how to transform sex into love, then jealousy disappears.
If you love a person, the very love is enough guarantee, the very love isenough security. If you love a person, you know he cannot go to anybody else.And if he goes, he goes; nothing can be done. What can you do? You can kill theperson, but a dead person will not be of much use.
When you love a person you trust that he cannot go to anybody. If he goes,there is no love and nothing can be done. Love brings this understanding. Thereis no jealousy.
So if jealousy is there, know well there is no love. You are playing a game,you are hiding sex behind love. Love is just a painted word, the reality is sex.
In India, because love is not allowed much, not allowed at all -- marriageis arranged -- tremendous jealousy exists. A husband is always afraid. He hasnever loved so he knows -- and the wife is always afraid because she has neverloved, so she knows -- that this has been an arrangement. The parents arranged,astrologers arranged, society arranged; the wife and husband were never asked.In many cases they never knew each other, they had never seen each other. Sofear exists. The wife is afraid, the husband is afraid, and both are spying oneach other. The very possibility is lost.
How can love grow in fear? They can live together, but that living togetheris also not living together; they only tolerate together, they somehow carry ontogether. It is just utilitarian, and out of utility you may manage, but ecstasyis not possible. You cannot celebrate it, it cannot become festive; it will be aburdensome affair.
So a husband is dead before death, and a wife is dead before death. It istwo dead persons taking revenge on each other, because each thinks that one haskilled the other. Taking revenge, angry, jealous -- the whole thing becomes sougly.
But in the West a different type of phenomenon is happening which is thesame on the other extreme. They dropped arranged marriage and it is good, thatinstitution is not worth keeping, but by dropping it, love has not arisen, onlysex has become free. And when sex is free you are always afraid, because it isalways a temporary arrangement. You are with this girl tonight, tomorrow shewill be with somebody else, and yesterday she was with somebody else. Yesterdaythe girl was with somebody else, tomorrow she will again be with somebody else;only tonight she is with you.
How can this be very intimate and deep? It can only be a meeting of thesurfaces. You cannot penetrate each other because penetration needs seasoning,it needs time, it needs depth, intimacy, living together, being together. A longtime is needed then depth opens -- depths talking to each other....
This is just acquaintance. It may not even be acquaintance -- in the Westyou can meet a woman on the train and make love, and at midnight you drop her atsome station. She never bothers that she may never know you again; she may noteven have asked your name.
If sex becomes such a trivial thing -- just a bodily affair where surfacesmeet and separate -- your depth remains untouched. You are again missingsomething -- something great, something very mysterious -- because you becomeaware of your own depth only when somebody else touches it. Only through theother do you become aware of your inner being; only in deep relationship doessomebody's love resound in you and bring your depth into being. Only throughsomebody else do you discover yourself.
There are two ways of discovery. One is meditation -- without the other yousearch for the depth; another is love -- with the other you search for thedepth. He becomes a root to reach to yourself. The other creates a circle, andboth lovers help each other. The deeper love goes, the deeper they feel theyare; their inner-beings are revealed. But then there is no jealousy. Love cannotbe jealous, it is impossible. Love is always trusting, and if something happensthat breaks your trust you have to accept it; nothing can be done about itbecause whatsoever you do will destroy the other.
Trust cannot be forced; jealousy tries to force it. Jealousy tries, makesyou make every effort so that trust can be maintained, but trust is notsomething to be maintained. It is there, or it is not there, and I say thatnothing can be done about it. If it is there, you go through it; if it is notthere, better separate.
But don't fight for it because you are wasting time, life. If you lovesomeone and your depth speaks to the other's depth -- you have a meeting inbeing -- it is okay, beautiful; if it is not happening, separate. But don'tcreate any conflict, struggle
or fight for it, because it cannot be achieved through fight, and time islost -- and not only time, your capacity will be damaged. You may start againwith another person repeating the whole pattern.
If there is no trust, separate -- the sooner, the better -- so you are notdestroyed, so you are not damaged, so your capacity to love remains fresh andyou can love somebody else. This is not the place, this is not the man, this isnot the woman for you. Move, but don't destroy each other.
Life is very short and capacities are very delicate. They can be destroyed,and once damaged there is no possibility of repairing them.
I have heard that once it happened that Winston Churchill was invited tospeak in a small club of friends. Everybody knew that Churchill was a drunkardand loved alcohol very much, and the man who introduced him, the president ofthe club, said, "Sir Winston has drunk so much wine up to now, that if wepour all the wine into this hall the level will come up to my head." It wasa big hall, and he was just joking.
Winston Churchill stood, looked at the imaginary line, looked at the ceiling-- the ceiling was high -- became very sad, and he said, "So much still tobe done, and so little time left to do it."
As far as love is concerned, so much is to be done for everyone and solittle time is left to do it. Don't waste your energy in fighting, jealousy,conflict; move, and move in a friendly way.
Search somewhere else for the person who exists who will love you. Don't getfixed with someone who is wrong, not for you. Don't be angry, there is no pointin it, and don't try to force trust; nobody can force it, it never happens. Youwill miss the time, you will miss the energy, and you may only become aware whennothing can be done. Move. Either trust or move.
Love always trusts, or if it finds that the trust is not possible it simplymoves in a friendly way; there is no conflict and fight. Sex creates jealousy;find, discover love. Don't make sex the basic thing -- it is not.
India missed with arranged marriage; the West is missing with free love.
India missed love because parents were too calculating and cunning. Theywould not allow falling in love: that is dangerous, nobody knows where it willlead. They were too clever, and through cleverness India missed all possibilityof love.
In the West they are too rebellious, too young; not clever -- too young, toochildish. They have made sex a free thing, available everywhere: no need to goso deep to discover love, enjoy sex and be finished.
Through sex, the West is missing: through marriage, the East has missed. Butif you are alert you need not be Eastern, you need not be Western. Love isneither Eastern nor Western.
Go on discovering love within you. And if you love, sooner or later theperson will happen to you, because a loving heart, sooner or later, comes to aloving heart -- it always happens. You will find the right person. But if youare jealous you will not find, if you are simply for sex you will not find, ifyou live only for security you will not find.
Love is a dangerous path and only those who have courage can travel it. AndI say to you it is the same, just like meditation -- only for those who arecourageous. And there are only two ways to reach the divine: either meditationor love. Find out which is your way, which can be your destiny.
- Osho, "A Bird on the Wing, #6"